“When I was younger I often felt sad that I was so indecisive about seeking God. Now I simply accept it and work against it. Feeling sad did not help me at all. Realizing that I am a weak human being— without judging that as being something awful—has helped me. I realize that my goal is life is not to arrive at some imagined perfection but simply to continue in the struggle to give my life to this God who loves me so much and who never abandons me.
I have always believe, sort of. I have always been seeking God, sort of. As I have grown older that believing and seeking God have taken a stronger and stronger place in my life. I don’t have confidence in myself but my confidence in God’s love for me has grown to be the most important aspect of seeking God. God has been drawing me to Him all my life and I have been given glimpses of His loving presence and I have experienced at times His love for me.
It is not as though I am aware that I live in His presence always, even though by faith I believe that. It is not as though I sense His presence always. Instead I have come to an inner conviction and deep faith that He is always with me and that I should take time to be still and be as aware of His presence as I can.”–Abbot Philip, Christ in the Desert monastery (The Abbot’s Notebook for September 12, 2018)